The Batman Wars

I watched the original Batman movie from 1989 last night. I couldn’t help but notice that the old Batman is to the new Batman as Chuck Norris is to a six year old girl. In regards to the things that Christian Bale’s Batman accomplished, Michael Keaton’s Batman accomplished with less technology, and more style!

Any six year old girl could end all crime as we know it in just a few hours if she were equipped with a balanced breakfast, moderate training in some sort of hand to hand combat, and one more thing…oh yeah, the Tumbler! However, doing this in an ‘85 Impala is a feat only the Michael Keaton of 1989 would attempt. That’s right, the Batmobile in the original Batman movie is a damn box Chevy. So while Christian Bale has trouble taking out an ice cream truck in the Tumbler, Michael Keaton drives up the sides of buildings, blows up buildings, drives through walls, and updates his facebook all in an ‘85 Impala with a body kit.

Next I’d like you to note that in “The Dark Knight”, Bale was shown with some bruising and scarring that he attained from hand to hand combat (I still contest that it’s from his kinky sex life as a masochist). I’d like to point out that Keaton crashed a special Batman fighter jet into a church, took out some lunatic with two swords using nothing but his bare hands, was shot multiple times, one of which he blocked with nothing but a petri dish (in true badass fashion) and came up completely unscathed. Bale could barely walk after a pickup truck ran into the side of his Lamborghini.

Lastly I’d like to point out the strength of Michael Keaton’s pimp hand. He meets Kim Basinger (Oscar winner, and Playboy model) at a party, gives her date a grant, bones her, and not only does he not call her, but he doesn’t return her calls, and no shows on the second date, all the while, she’s completely ignorant to the fact that he’s the savior of Gotham City. After all that he still ends up getting the girl. As far as Christian Bale is concerned, he can’t even manage to bang the girl who already knows he’s the savior of Gotham City, Maggie Gyllenhaal, which as we all know is the less attractive and more masculine sister of Jake Gyllenhaal, who if my memory serves me right, is Tobey Maguire’s less attractive, and more masculine brother. Not only does Spider man’s sister die, ensuring that Batman can never have her, but before doing so, she confesses her love to none other than Batman’s current good friend, and soon to be foe, Harvey Dent/Two Face.

Dear Christian Bale, you have much to learn, and you should be trying to learn a thing or two from your predecessor Michael Keaton. If you play your cards right, you might still have a chance with one of the other two remaining Gyllenhaal brothers, but from what I can see, for an attractive, billionaire, hero, you have worse luck with the ladies than Steve Urkel, so don’t count on it.

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